Here at Gladys Central we can't be arsed to spend all day whining about the standard of refs. The day is only so long after all. It's a dirty job and we wouldn't do it, certainly not for £20 quid anyway....It's also a difficult job, especially without linesmen on most occasions... although there is that helpful man from Enfield Reserves who helps as best he can, bless 'im. (We are still racking our brains as to why he is soooo unpopular even with his own team). So think of this page as a sort of X-files for ref-isms. We aren't interested in the everyday "He only give 'em a penalty!" type stuff. We want unexplained phenomena and close encounters of the third kind. If you, like us, know that the 'truth is out there' but have only found alien nonsense so far, then send your examples to us here.

Top 6 Ridiculous Ref-isms

NEW ENTRY at Number 6, don't laugh! No really...

Fairfield Villa FC report two bookings in the same match during the 2001/02 season. The first player was booked for falling over laughing after a bizarre penalty decision. Later in the game a second player was booked for laughing, when asked for an explanation the referee said, "Well, she won't be laughing again will she?"

NEW ENTRY at Number 5, is this thirsty little anecdote...

Also from Fairfield Villa who arrived at an away game at Atherstone to find the referee claiming to be drunk before kickoff. Taking 'half time' too literally he topped up again. Midway through the second half (of the match) he blew his whistle and collapsed to the floor shouting "FLY!" The Fairfield physio ran to his assistance and the ref explained that he had a fly in his eye and was attempting to remove it using a pair of women's pants that he happened to have in his pocket...[memo to Greater London League - why isn't Dave Thomas this entertaining?]

Down to Number 4, nit-pickers, is this sizeist vibe from 1999...

"You're too tall". Reason for awarding an indirect free kick against a defender in the 18 yard box.

Generosity is the name of the game at Number 3...

The keeper takes a goal kick with all 22 players on the pitch. Nobody is injured."Can you take that again please the opposition weren't ready" quoth the kindly ref.

Anti-psychology at Number 2...

"I've got no problem with the tackle but I'm giving a penalty to calm things down." Yeah that mellowed us out real nice.

BUT Our Number 1 all time favourite is this Super-Smash from 1997 (which actually went in our favour)...

after giving a goal and then a goal kick.."No, no, I've seen it again and the ball didn't cross the line."